True Happiness
by WolfTvAddict
Summary: What Andy was thinking when Nick showed up at her doorstep in the episode What I Lost (Season 4, Episode 9). Also looks at events earlier in the day that helped shape her reaction. McCollins. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:**_** I don't own Rookie Blue. If I did I wouldn't be on Twitter still claiming McSwarek was endgame (aka-Tassie Cameron).**_

**A/N:****_Okay, so saying I'm obsessed with McCollins is a massive understatement (it's like saying the sky is blue). I haven't written in a really long time, but I was so happy after the last episode that I wanted to do a fic that looked at Andy's mindset during the episode. Work is un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine. I hope you guys like it and if you do, please review. Leave any constructive review-I'm seriously my own worst critic, so if you think it sucked just tell me what I can do to improve (I tend to think all my work sucks)._**

Andy trudged through the hallway, feeling like her feet were made out of lead. Ever since Christian had been kidnapped earlier in the day under her watch, she had managed to run through some major emotional extremes-guilt, anger, anxiety, and anger. Her nerves were feeling frayed after the day she'd had and all she wanted to do was go home fix a gin and tonic, sit down on the couch, and watch something mind numbing on TV so she could forget about the day.

As she turned the corner she saw Nick standing at her door. Momentarily she felt her shoulders tense and her chest tighten in response to his presence. It had been a long day and she still wasn't quite sure where their relationship stood. And to be totally honest, she still wasn't one hundred percent sure where she wanted their relationship to go.

She had known after his confession the night of the wedding that she needed some time to just think things through, but every time that she had tried to make a decision it just seemed like their was a nagging doubt lingering in the back of her mind. So she'd invited him to the park today to play with Christian hoping that hanging out with him would make it easier to make a decision.

It definitely hadn't accomplished that. For one thing it only reminded her how much she had missed hanging out with him the past week. She honestly hadn't realized how big of a role he'd come to play in her life until he wasn't around. Ever since she'd decided to stay away from him to try to make a decision, she'd begun to feel like she was missing a limb.

There were multiple times that she had heard something funny and her first impulse had been to run and tell Nick. There were a few times when she had a bad day and just wanted to unwind with him at the Penny after work. And then there were times when she just had had the urge to be silly and do something like play practical jokes or sing in the squad car and she kept thinking there was no one else in the world she'd rather do it with than him.

Sure she had other friends, like Tracy or Gail, who would be there for her if she needed to talk or just wanted to go and do something. But she found that Nick was almost always the first person who came to her mind. Not talking to him this past week was excruciating. She didn't even want to imagine if they decided to be more than friends and it didn't work out. Even just the idea of losing him of a friend made her stomach tie up in knots-it was unbearable.

The fear of losing him if something went wrong was almost enough to force her to make a decision about them remaining platonic. In fact, every time that she considered the reasons why they should or should not get together that was always the first thing that sprung to mind. She'd thought that fear might be enough to give her enough resolve to tell him that they should just stay friends, but then he'd gone and given her even more reasons to doubt if that was the right thing to do when they'd met up to play with Christian this morning.

Sure she had seen him interact with kids on the job before. He'd always comforted them and been nice to them. Nick even told her while they undercover that he loved kids because they were so innocent and that they have a view of the world that most adults have forgotten. He explained it as they have the ability in how to have joy in the small things, such as how to have fun doing something as simple as playing in a sandbox for hours or climbing a tree.

Nick had continued by saying that everything is new for them and they appreciate doing things that adults consider basic or boring. Being around them reminded him to just slow down and not take life for granted. Things might not always be the most exciting thing in the world, but that didn't mean that you couldn't have fun doing them.

She remembered looking at him stretched languidly across the couch in their undercover apartment as he told her all of this. It was at the beginning of their six-month assignment together-before she knew how close they would grow as friends. At the time the idea appealed immensely to her, but after feeling like she had been drowning both personally and professionally for the past year she had supposed she was too jaded to see herself following that philosophy.

As she and Nick had grown closer though, he taught her that indeed life could be fun if you let it be. Now she couldn't imagine living any other way. And having him around made it a whole lot more fun.

However, despite his love of children, they'd never really had the opportunity for her to see what he would be like with them when he wasn't trying to remain somewhat professional because of their job. And once she saw him interact with Christian she knew that her decision had become that much harder.

Just the way that he had talked to Christian made her smile. Most adults don't know how to talk to kids-they either talk to them in a baby voice or they talk down to them like they're less important just because they're younger. But he had treated him as an equal and actually listened to everything that Christian had to say, even if it wasn't important.

And he had put all of his energy into everything he did with Christian. Whether it had been pushing him on the swings or getting down and dirty in the sandbox with him. She found herself laughing harder than she had in long time when Christian stood up and dumped a small red bucket with sand in it over Nick's head.

Most guys would have gotten angry, but Nick wasn't most guys. He had brushed most of it out of his hair quickly with his hands and laughed it off by saying "Guess you got me. But now I'm going to get you."

He had then proceeded to chase Christian around trees and bushes. They were laughing the whole time, but every time Nick would catch Christian he would lift him up in the air while Christian alternately screamed and giggled. Then he would put him back down again and the chase would resume.

When they had finished running around he had come over and she had brushed off the remaining sand on his clothes, not quite able to ignore the red-hot blush she felt on her cheeks or the flutter she felt in stomach as she did so.

She had been smiling almost all morning and she had realized that she hadn't been this happy in a long time. As Nick came out of the car she had been hit with one massive fear. Yes she was scared of losing him as a friend, but this morning had scared her of something that she hadn't even considered-something that might be equally as bad as losing him as a friend, if not worse.

And that thought had been what if they got together and were truly happy together. That could slip away at any time. Whether it was something that went wrong in the relationship, which would likely be the case, or that something could happen to one of them even on the job. They did work a dangerous job after all.

Ultimately, after feeling as good as she had this morning, she couldn't stand the thought of being that happy in a relationship only to have it come crashing down. After all if the past was an indicator of anything, expecting happiness only leads to pain and misery.

So she had found herself listing off other reasons than the truth because she knew that Nick was the one person that would be able to get through to her if he knew what was really going through her mind.

Once she had seen his disappointed face and slumped posture it had become more difficult to continue listing the reasons. She felt herself fidgeting, her shoulders tense, and her palms sweat. But she had known that if she wasn't able to convince him then there was a good chance she wouldn't be able to hold onto her resolve to keep things platonic if he tried to talk her into a relationship.

But of course, with her luck, they had been interrupted, and then things had spiraled out of control when Christian had been kidnapped. She had been further confused by her feelings for Nick because even though she had clearly been letting him down easy at the park when they had been interrupted; he had still been supportive all day long. He had never once wavered from being a good friend, being there each time just when she needed him and not letting his ego or bruised feelings come first.

So now she slowed down as she approached to give herself a second to process his presence. After the long events of the day she was still surprised that he would be outside of her apartment, especially with the way that she had started the conversation this morning.

"Hey, what's going on?" She asked somewhat cautiously, not quite sure what to expect.

"I just wanted to check in on you. Make sure you're alright." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and eased up from back from against the wall, as she started to let herself into the apartment.

"Well I've had better days. So have you. Want to come in? Have a drink or something?" She said, hoping that they could clear the air between them.

"I also wanted to tell you I think you're right."

"About what?" Her eyebrows knitted in confusion.

"About us."

She felt her stomach drop and her shoulders sag as soon as he said it. She had thought this morning that by just staying friends she could avoid the type of pain that she was feeling now, but she realized in this instant that she had been wrong. She felt like someone was twisting her heart in chest and all she wanted to do was go inside, shut the world out, and eat a gallon of ice cream.

She felt like she was watching quick flashes of their future vanish before her eyes. Their first real kiss, cuddling on the couch after a long day at work, their first time making love, getting married, having kids someday, and growing old together. She wanted to kick herself in that moment for letting fear get the best of her, but she didn't want to jeopardize their friendship now by revealing that she'd had a change of heart.

As he continued, she had a hard time keeping her body language from belying her true feelings. Her head drooped, she kept shuffling her feet, and her eyes were downcast. Yet she still listened, even though her body was screaming at her to go into the apartment and lock him out.

"You're right about all the problems. I did just break up with Gail, we work together, you and me you know we're friends. We don't want to jeopardize that."

"Nope." She replied dejectedly.

"All that's true. The thing is, I don't care."

She looked up dazed and her heart started to race, her mouth opening slightly in surprise. She couldn't believe it.

"You're the most amazing person I've ever met and the fact that you've thought this through means I've got a fighting chance." He said determinedly.

Andy looked down. It was true, in fact more than true. But he had left her completely speechless. As soon as he had he didn't care her heart felt like it was going to leap out her chest, she had started feeling flushed, and her stomach was fluttering.

"So I'll wait however long that takes." He smiled and walked away.

She was frozen in place just trying to process the last thirty seconds. This was the second time that he gone out on limb and told her how he felt with a decent chance that it might not get him anywhere. After all she had already started to tell him that they should just stay friends. There's no way that he could know that the way she felt had changed in the span of one day.

There was so much that was much that was complicated-Gail, the possibility that people might think that got together undercover, the fact that they were friends, and probably more that she wasn't even thinking of right now. But at this moment none of that seemed so complicated that they couldn't overcome it. It might be difficult, but it would be worth.

The thing that scared her more than anything was letting Nick walk away. If it had been this painful to have thought that he just wanted to stay friends, then she was willing to take the risk that things might not work out. She had a strong feeling that for once in her life that by taking a chance with Nick, she was headed for the type of happiness that she had felt this morning instead of the misery and despair of relationships past.

Just as she was about to go after him, he turned around.

"Also I forgot to give you this." He said holding out her cell phone. She could only smile at him as she felt the tension leave her body, now that her mind was made up.

"I picked it up at the hospital. I probably should have started with that because now it's super awkward." He continued.

She chuckled. Most guys probably just would have kept walking, either embarrassed about what they just said or too worried about what she was thinking. But he clearly was confident in his feelings and wasn't going go to shy away from them no matter how uncomfortable it may be, unlike most of the men in her past. Not only that but he just admitted that it was awkward rather than denying it.

They both wanted this. She leaned forward to kiss him and was met by his soft, supple lips. She felt his hand come up and lightly cup the back of her hair.

After a few seconds they broke the kiss and just stared at one another, smiling at each other. Andy realized in that second that this what true happiness is.

**A/N:**_** So again I love McCollins and if you guys liked this please let me know (or if you didn't-I wasn't kidding about being my own worst critic just let me know what I can do to improve). I am planning on writing some more McCollins fics soon, so look for those in the future. **_

_**Also if you guys really love McCollins and are on Twitter send a Tweet to Rookie Blues' writers and creators letting them know every Thursday (or every day if you feel like it). The McSwarek fans are really swamping them with angry messages, so they think that's what the fans want to see (personally I think at this point they'll get just as many angry messages from McCollins fans when McSwarek is back together, but maybe that's just me).**_


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